User blog:Gaskarths/My Campbell Saunders Fanfiction c:
So I finally decided to post this here - my first fanfiction I ever wrote. I wrote this a few nights after Bittersweet Symphony Part II. I was originally too scared to share it with you guys, because I was afraid what you guys would think about it. My writing isn't really all that great, but at last, I've worked up the courage to show you all my work. I know it's been written a hundred times before, but it's basically all about what happened on the day of Campbell's suicide...this is what happened in my head, and I hope that you find it okay. I remember the process of writing this story well...sitting at my desk and sobbing by the time that I finally finished. It was really emotional to write...anyway, enough of my boring speech. xD Feel free to give me any criticism/comments/questions after you read it. I hope you all like it! ^_^ ---- What Happened That Day Watching someone that you love fall into a downward spiral is one of the most heartbreaking things that a human being can experience. But something that’s even worse than that is seeing your own self fall straight into that dark path. When you know that there’s no chance that you’ll get out of it, that you’re trapped in this enigma inside of your mind – it’s the scariest thing that I can imagine at the moment. I turned my phone off about an hour ago…well, I didn’t turn it off, exactly. I threw it against the wall out of a mixture of emotions – mostly out of anger – and I watched it shatter against the floors of my bedroom. It’s nothing but a pile of broken pieces now. Somehow I know that Maya is probably sitting at home right now, on the couch where I was lying with her last night, watching dumb videos and underneath a plush red blanket. I know that she’s right there, cross-legged, hair a mess from the thundershower that she had to walk home in. I know that she’s texted me uncontrollably, her tears just beginning to drop on the phone screen that’s lit up with the long line of messages that she sent me that I never answered, and never will. I know she’s waiting for me to show up with an even bigger bouqet of beautiful roses and pansies and – her personal favorite – carnations, pleading her for forgiveness. But I won’t. I wish I could tell her why. I bury my face into my hands as I sit on my bed. I brush back my hair, and letting the tears fall, I take each and every item off my shelves, and toss them into the wastebasket. I watch my childhood sit there among the pile of rubbish, staring me down from head-to-toes. All of the things that I once took pride in that are now my worst enemies. My hockey trophies, my Cub Scout patches, my stamp collection – they all mean nothing to me. My past has no meaning to it anymore. All that matters right now is this current moment; the one that I’m just aching to escape from. After clearing the last of my desk and my shelves, I take a final look at the wastebasket. Sitting on top is a project from the first grade. I lower my hands and take hold of it. In my terrible seven-year old handwriting, in red crayon on yellow construction paper – “When I grow up, I want to be a hockey player.” And a stick figure of me with a poorly-drawn hockey stick. A hockey player. A hockey player. '' I tear the project to shreds, grab the rope and leave. • • • The rope, I took it from the garage. It was hidden under a pile of slightly rusted tools, a heavy steel toolbox, and some old office supplies. I run my hand over the texture of it. I look around the shed. I walked here. I walked in the streets, not giving a single damn about cars passing by. I was originally hoping that a car would be the cause of my death, if I continued to freely walk about the streets. But I survived the walk here, though I wish I hadn’t. I look up at the roof. That’s when the tears start to cascade down my face. As I slowly rise on the bench to begin the act, I recite the note in my head. I wrote it a few weeks ago, when I thought that this would happen sooner. I kept it in the back of my mind, and I almost forgot about it until I finally decided that this is it. Today is the day. ''Mom, Dad – I’m not sure whether or not I should love you or hate you. I love you, because you have always been there for me, whether it was in person or over a Skype call. But at the same time… I hate you for sending me here. You knew I would be homesick, but you let me go. You let me attend Degrassi. And I know that it’s not really your fault, because the entire reason why I was here in the first place was because of the stupid friggin’ Ice Hounds. But I just wish you knew how much it would hurt if you really did send me here. '' '' I look at the roof again, and spot a plant hanging from a high hook. I scavenge the shed for a ladder. Ice Hounds – it’s been a good run. But I have to go. I’ll admit that I liked you guys, and I know that, deep down, you’re all good people. You just did a pretty damn bad job of showing it. All the pressure from you all, all the sweat that you guys made me break…those are just some of the reasons why I really can’t do this anymore. I just hope you learn something from this. '' '' I find a ladder in the corner of the shed, and I lean it against the wall. I climb to the very top, and knock the plant off of the hook. I hear a loud crash as the pottery falls onto the floor. I make the tightest knot that I can possibly make. If another rookie comes, you need to treat him right. Yeah, you can make him work all you want. I don’t care – anything to help you guys win as much as possible. But teach him the true meaning of ‘teamwork’. It’s something that I was never taught, but there is no doubt in my mind that each and every one of you knows what teamwork is all about. '' '' I place a bright red bucket on the bench, the flat side facing the rope that’s dangling from the ceiling. I turn on the shed’s hose, full blast. I hop onto the bench, onto the bucket. Maya – I know what you’re thinking right now….’Why would he do this to me? Why would he just leave me?’ And the truth is… I don’t know why I would do this to you either. You don’t deserve to have your boyfriend permanently leave you. And I’m sorry. But I have to go. Just promise me that you’ll take care of yourself…and find someone who can treat you better than I ever did. '' The tears are really falling now. They’re streaming down my face. They’re not even the silent ones. All my crying is done in gross, ugly sobs. But I couldn’t care less at the moment. It’s not like anybody will see me. I loop the rope around my neck. I stare at the ceiling once again, my eyes closed. ''I’m sorry I failed you all. I’m sorry I did a horrible job of being human. I’m sorry for everything. I kick the bucket out from underneath my feet. I feel the rope tighten around my neck, tighter and tighter until I can barely breathe. My heart is pounding out of my chest. It won’t be long until it comes to a stop, so I race to finish what I left incomplete. But do you see who I really am now? You finally know how unhappy I really was…so sad to the point where I had to end my life. What you guys saw – the breakdowns, the tears, the sadness – that was nothing compared to what I’m feeling inside of me. Because this is me. And it’s the only me I’ll ever be. '' '' Category:Blog posts